In My Heart

One year ago, we received a call from my Mother who told us that my incredible sister had passed away.  Despite realizing that the inevitable was going to happen, I was beyond stunned. After I hung up the phone, I tried to process what I had just heard.

That night, the New York Yankees were on their way to another American League Championship and had Mariano Rivera on the mound. Rivera is perhaps the greatest relief pitcher of all time and when he comes in to pitch, the ball game is usually on it's way to being over. I retreated to my bedroom to watch the final outs and my mind drifted back to all the times that I spent alone and how baseball and sports had always been a personal refuge. Today, they couldn't help me hide the pain, however, so instead I just watched as this tremendous pitcher methodicaly closed out yet another big game. He is the one the Yankees turn to when they are in trouble and he almost always comes through. Tammie was that kind of person for me.

As a kid, she was my protector and was seemingly always there when I needed prodding or was afraid. She gave me strength in difficult social situations and helpful encouragement when I needed confidence. There have been so many times over the past year, when I have wished that I could talk to her about something funny that has happened or heard her laugh. Unfortunately, I won't be able to experience any of that, ever again.

Over the weekend, I finished a book entitled Cape Ann by Faith Sullivan.  The book is about a young girl named Lark, who is growing up during the Depression in Minnesota and documents the struggles endured by her and her family. During all the heartbreak and sorrow,  a very close friend commits suicide and Lark cannot make sense or overcome the terrible tragedy.  At one point, the young man's mother tells Lark that she is considering moving across the country and away from her son's grave. In her explanation, his mother says, "Hillyard is gone, Lark."  "What is left of him on this earth is in my heart and in yours."  I know that there is nothing or no one that can bring my sister back to me, but my memories of her and the influence that she has had on me will reside in me forever.

I love you, Tam.

Letter from Mom

Tam,

It's hard to believe that it has been a year since we actually were able to see your beautiful smile and to give you a kiss and tell you we love you. Each day, I think of you throughout the many hours, the things around me remind me of you and Billy when you both lived here. I hope I never have to leave this house.

The last several years, you and your father went shopping and among other things you bought our Christmas cards; I always loved them. This past year, I used the cards that you had purchased. This year, your father and I had to pick out our cards without you. We got some that I'm sure that you would have liked.

Your boys have been so good staying in touch with us and we feel very close to both Sean and Derek. You would be proud of them; you were a good Mother.

The whole family will always remember you and never stop loving you.

Love,

Mom

A Letter From Dad

Tammie,

It doesn't seem possible that you passed on almost a year ago. I was watching stories about you on Facebook that your brother Bill was showing us on his computer and was very happy to see the many friends you had growing up in Camillus.

Honey, I think I must be clairvoyant, as I see you near me every day. You have never left me in spirit and I think that is because of our heavenly father who has taken you into his great kingdom in heaven. He is the reason that you were with us for forty-eight years. Mother, Dad and Billy will think of you, every moment of every day and miss you very, very much.

Love,

Dad

Cousin Chris Pt. 2

Our cousins, Chris and Tara, were frequent visitors to our home over the years. There was this one time when Chris decided that he didn't want to leave and found a dixie cup and started watering all of my mother's plants. Tam and I tried in vain to get the cup away from him and help Aunt Brenda get him in the car. Fortunately, we have video footage of this memorable event. :-)

Summers End

(After a year, you realize that you don't have any new photos left!)

I had a doctor's appointment today and after a bout with the scale, I realize that my quest to achieve a weight that would make an NFL fullback proud, continues. Blah!

While I was waiting for my doctor to arrive, I glanced outside and saw the gorgeous reds and yellows of the sugar maple trees. Despite the ensuing cold winter, these wonderful trees struggle to keep their leaves. Seasons change and life continues to move forward.

When I was little, fall was my favorite of all the seasons. I loved looking at the beautiful trees and the feel of the crisp, autumn air. When you're eight or nine, time seems forever and fall is about the colors. Now, it is a time of sadness and a time to reflect on the endless summers of growing up with Tam. Summers of riding bikes around the big block or down the Genesee Rd. hill or catching fireflies in a jar.

I Loved Tammie - Chris Brown

I loved Tammie,

She was a powerhouse figure in my life.

I used to visit her at her house in Ravena, NY. She and I used to listen to classic rock at her house. I remember when Sean was only one year old and Derek wasn't even born yet. I remember how much she loved her children. I remember how proud she was of Sean, and how proud she was of Derek's birth.

We used to listen to classic rock n' roll and had a good time listening to bands like Rod Stewart and Led Zeppelin, and used to have a good time talking, and hanging out. I used to love her "scary story" about Camillus Hill, and the strange Halloween characters that she used to love to tell about about "the people" coming down from the hill to attack us. Halloween is my favorite holiday and I used to love Tammie's stories.

I found Tammie to be one of the most interesting people I have ever hung out with. I want her boys to remember her as a teacher, a mother, and a go-getter. She was always ambitious.

We had a good time together because Tammie was an important person, with important dreams, and she loved to have a good time. She was also a very intelligent person with dreams to teach.

Christopher Brown

Happy Birthday, Derek

Today, is Tammie's boy, Derek's birthday. I know that she had a special relationship with both of her boys and I can't think of them without thinking of her.

A few months ago, I got the chance to run with my nephew a couple of times. I have been running for twenty years or so, and ran an awful lot when I lived in Ravena with the Hacheys. I can remember trying to run when I was much younger and even jogging with Tammie once or twice. I hold out hope that Derek and I can run a race sometime. That would be cool.

Lastly, I was thinking of waves on the ocean and how each one is a little different. Some make a large splash and others just quietly drift to the shore. Tammie definitely made a large splash in our lives. Maybe there is a haiku in that. Guess I'll work on that.