Wellsville Trip: Saying Goodbye

More Photos From Slides

Me, Tammie, Mimi and Nonne

Tammie at Christmas

Photos from Slides

Tammie and neighbor kid. The neighbor kid's family hated us, so she will remain nameless. I probably should have edited her out, but I thought it was a nice picture.

Too hot for me to go for a run, so I decided to spend some time trying to transfer slides to my digital camera. My Mom gave me a bunch of Tammie and I thought that I would give it a try.

Tammie at my grandparent's house

Tammie on the slide in our backyard after her first day at school.

My cousin Nancy, Tammie and I at my Grandmother Hastings (Lefler) Home. Nana, Lewis and my Mom are in the backround. My Mom was and still is a dominant shuffleboard player.

Me, Mom, Tammie and Mimi eating a fine meal somewhere

Tammie dressed as a tree for some dance recital

Tammie sitting by herself in a pink dress. I am quite confident that my parents still have that chair.

Tammie dressed as a tree again. Sean and Derek, I think your mom might have been a little obsessed with this outfit.

Tammie in her majorette outfit. I have no idea why she was a majorette. I'll have to check with Mom.

My father and Tammie sitting in our front yard. I know for a fact that they still have that chair!

4th of July

(Not from the 4th, but another similar carnival)

With the 4th of July coming up on Sunday, I started to think back to some of the ones that I experienced as a kid. For years in Camillus, there was this great parade that went from the Top of the Hill Restaurant to Camillus Plaza. We were very fortunate to live just off from West Genesee St. and could walk to the parade. My Mom always suggested that we wear red, white, and blue and then we were off for a day and night of fun.

Our high school's marching band has always been a big deal and even the four lanes of West Genesee St. could barely contain it. In fact, there was always some guy with a megaphone telling the parade watchers to back off and let the band through. I am quite sure that they were playing the Battle Hymn of the Republic, as the people always loved it. Oh well, I think in those early years that I was just at the parade for the gum and candy.

I remember that Tammie was there with us and we would all go to the Camillus Plaza and the local field days after the parade for a meatball sandwich from the Jaycees stand. Later that night, we would watch fireworks from our front lawn. Back in those days, we used to be able to sit right in the driveway and watch, but then the trees grew up and we had to shuffle on to the neighbors lawn. Man, I miss those times. Ususally, one of the shopping center stores would pay for the fireworks and often they shot them off two or three nights.

Things have certainly changed since then. This year, I plan on spending a low-key 4th of July without the fireworks and parade. Holidays and family gatherings meant so much to my sister and as a result, it is hard to imagine them without her. I will be thinking of her and those good times, tomorrow.

The Quiet

Yesterday at lunch, I decided to leave the library and wander off by myself. I found a nice park with a dilapidated old Erie Canal Aqueduct and I decided to take a few photos. Really, the photos started out as a distraction, as I was just trying to gather myself after a trying morning.

Remnants of the aqueduct over Butternut Creek in DeWitt, NY

When my 30 minutes was almost up, I headed back to the library and to work. I had lost all interest in returning, but a man has to get paid. Anyway, I parked the car and dragged myself out of it and headed back. Along the way, things became very quiet for me. I could hear my feet hitting the pavement and I could hear the gravel being crushed as the cars made their way through the parking lot. I think that quiet can appear at any time and at any place, but only if you are ready for it. Although, I made that trip several times, I am usually preoccupied with other thoughts. This time, however, it was just the bare me and my thoughts of how my life currently is. Quiet doesn't always come when I am by myself, but it always comes when I am alone.

When Tammie was sick, I recall going to visit her in hospice and the long walk from the garage and then again, the one on the fifth floor to her room. My mother uses a walking stick now and frequently took it with her on those visits. As we walked, I could hear the stick as it slowly and repeatedly hit the floor. Almost like a "bell tolls for you" kind of thing or the Grim Reaper hitting its scythe on the ground. I looked around in the empty rooms as we walked and thought about Tam, our colorful and eventful past and the current lack of hope. Every ounce of me was focused on that and how she would be when I reached her bed. Would she be singing today? Could I make her laugh again? I wanted to be at my best.

I look at creative people and I envy them. Where do they come up with their ideas and then how to they organize those thoughts and put them to paper or to canvas? I am amazed at how effortless such endeavors seem to people like that. Evidently, they have a superior ability to concentrate and have developed that talent. I suppose that my friend is correct and that she can be creative in a crowded room or at a traffic light with the stereo in her car blasting. For, I believe that quiet can appear at any time and at any place. Just take a look at how athletes can separate themselves from the crowd noise and perform at extremely high levels. How else can you explain someone pitching a perfect game or a basketball player routinely hitting a shot at the buzzer? All it takes is just one moment's lapse of concentration and the thought or the game can be forgotten or ruined.

I am not a creative person with superior talent, nor am I necessarily a very focused one. My mind wanders and I move from activity to activity. Perhaps, I have a form of adult ADD. Usually, I become reflective in times of stress or sadness, as was the case when Tammie was sick. I appreciate those times and tend to remember them well. Things are amplified for me and everything else is blocked out.

Unfortunately, those moments are rare and I am normally too self absorbed. I just wish that the quiet didn't appear for me at such sad moments in my life and that I could be more reflective with those that I love when they are alive and with me. Tammie, I miss you.

Tammie sang this song on one of our hospice visits -

Goodbye, Mimi

My grandmother at one of her favorite places: work!

Nonne, Doris Swarthout and Mimi

My Mom, Dad and I went to Wellsville last weekend to bury my grandmother's ashes. While there, we were joined by my Aunt Brenda and Uncle Lenny and my Great Aunt Bette. During the graveside ceremony, we were all able to share our memories of Mimi and our great times with her.

For years, my grandmother prepared for her death. She was always trying to get family members to take some of her possessions and I am pretty sure that began back in the 1980's. I know that she offered Tammie quite a few items and one thing in particular was the famous "No Touch!" table. Mimi had this little table that is obviously an antique and she populated it with these glass and porcelain animals. She was adamant that we just look at these creatures and not touch or remove them. Despite this warning, I remember secretly taking them off their table top haven and bringing them to the jungles and farm yards of my imagination. I absolutely loved playing with them and somehow, I was never caught doing it. Now there are just a few figurines left on that table and many of them are broken and worn.

After the service at the cemetery, we returned to her home on Osborne St. My parents and I were staying there and I was just flooded with memories throughout the weekend. I kept thinking back to last July and being there with Mimi and Tam. I remembered being upstairs with Tammie and realizing that she was having difficulty breathing after her walk up the steep and narrow stairs and how she tried to downplay it. I also remembered how she struggled to walk uptown and to the balloon rally . None of us could understand what was wrong with her.

Mimi's home seemed like a house this time. Many of the people who gave it life are gone now and all we have are our memories. By the end of our trip, we felt broken and worn like the animals on the "No Touch" Table.

Mimi and Mom

Mimi, Nonne and Mom

Our last Great Wellsville Balloon Rally

Mimi's white house

Dad and Bette

Tam's Birthday

Today is Tammie's birthday and also Kentucky Derby Day. For me that seems appropriate, as Tammie loved horse racing. In fact, she worked for a time at the Saratoga track and got to learn a lot about racing and betting over her many trips there.

When we were kids, my Mom always made us pick a horse on Derby Day. For me, that meant choosing the favorite, as I absolutely hated to lose. Of course, I had no idea that the favorite rarely wins that race. That wasn't the case, however, in 1977, when I picked the great Seattle Slew. I loved watching that horse, because he always went right for the lead and just stayed there. Those of us who grew up in the Seventies got to see three Triple Crown Winners and almost a fourth in Spectacular Bid. Unfortunately, there hasn't been another Triple Crown Winner since.

In 1975 , I remember deciding on a horse named Foolish Pleasure and then having to face my grandfather who pointed out the foolishness of picking the favorite. I recall that he picked a horse named Bombay Duck and Tam selected Avatar. I got lucky that time, but Bombay Duck led for a good portion of the race. In fact, he was on a record pace before he was hit with a beer bottle, so that may have affected the outcome. Tam's horse came in second that year.

I watched the derby with my parents today, but missed Tammie and my Grandmother Mimi, who passed away on Wednesday. We have so many great family traditions and I cherish all my memories of them. Mimi, Nonne, and Tam loved this race so much and I imagine that they were watching from somewhere and not picking the favorite!